Jan 16, 2012
5 Ways to Help Your Man Grow Up
Posted by Pastor Todd Murphy in | Comments (0)
Many woman lament having an irresponsible or disengaged husband. No not necessarily in providing financially, but at home. In fact, men do not often struggle with that because they often are trying to get their identity from it. So it is common to see a guy who is a stalwart at work and come home and turn into a channel clicking waif that tunes out the wife and kids. Here are a few thoughts on how women can gently and respectfully change their functioning in the home so that he does engage more and create a better family life.
1. Don’t over-function: Women in relationships have a hard time not over-funtioning. What do I mean by that? Over-functioning is when you usurp another person’s responsibility. The classic over-functioning line is “if you want something done right, do it yourself.” That is ok in a pinch, but for the long term it debilitates the person. If you do that with your spouse, you are in for a long road of disappointment. It allows them to remain irresponsible. Many women complain of a man who does not lead, take responsibility, or is just lazy. What you will find when you dig down in the situation is that you usually have a collaborating woman. The proverbial woman who “wears the pants” is the over-functioner. She is also never happy. She is perpetually disappointed because she has to bear the brunt of family anxiety and responsibility. Instead of having a husband who is a nurturer of her and the kids, she ends up with a sort of “extra child” that she was not planning on. When you take on his responsibilities, then you are creating a cryogenic state. That means he gets frozen in time because you are allowing him to under-function. Because you have usurped his responsibility you have removed the fundamental challenges that force him to grow as a person. But if you refuse to do so, he is forced to face his deficiencies and grow as a human being.
2. Stop Bailing Him Out: This is taking it a step further. Women who have under-functioning husbands are notorious for stepping in to save the day. In most cases ladies, you pull it off. Then you tell yourself, “where would this family be without me?” We can certainly say you cannot put a price on a wife and a mother. But in the long run, by “saving the day” you are actually a co-conspirator in your husband’s under-functioning. Every time you do this you rob yourself and your husband of a natural disciplinary experience to make him grow up. Here is a scenario. Your husband is blowing it big time, screws up. His typical pattern is to let you sort it out. How about having a little conversation with him gently expressing the problem. Then when he asks you “what do you think I should do” you say something like this: “I don’t know honey, what are you going to do to fix this?” There is a stunner! Yeah put the whole thing back on his plate and say, “Well sweetie, myself and the kids are counting on you, hope you don’t let us down... I will be praying for you about this” and then excuse yourself to go take care of your responsibilities. My wife did this more than once early on in our marriage. It was a healthy thing to do. I literally said in my mind “oh shit, I better get my act together!”
3. Treat him with Respect and Dignity: Here is where you ladies usually shoot yourselves in the foot. Men have an identity, and when they fail or drop the ball, they take it pretty hard, even if they do not show it. We think being a “real man” means you never show pain. Running him down, nipping, complaining and general spleen letting disrespect hurts your cause because it hurts him. We all know you always get more flies flies with honey than vinegar. In the same way you do not get a child to grow into a good self image by telling them they are stupid or incompetent, the same goes for your husband. No matter how broken, fallen, or a failure, people need respect. Your man needs respect, and berating him when he fails will only make things worse. The most powerful thing you can do to any person, especially when they are down is to say “hey I believe in you.” Now I get it, if he does not have a strong track record, you may feel like you are lying. But that is not the point. The point is do you really believe that God has the power to change people? And are you willing to take responsibility that his irresponsibility is partly your fault? Those are the questions you have to ask yourself. Until you really believe that, you are just going to focus on your husbands short comings. We need to play to our strengths in each other. If we choose to focus on what is commendable in each of us, then we are encouraging, which naturally breeds the desire to do better. When we begin to live through our best qualities, it helps shore up our shortcomings. But if he knows that he is just going to get home from work to hear about what a schmuck he is, then don’t be surprised if he throws all of himself and his identity into his work where he gets the strokes he needs.
4. Work on Self: Many women (and really all spouses) expend tons of emotional energy trying to change their partner. But here is the reality. Nothing is going the change in your partner until you begin to change yourself. Numbers 1-3 above are practical examples of how you can begin working on yourself so that it effects a change in your partner. You cannot change anyone. But here is what you can do: You can make responsible decisions in a relationship that force that person to make a decision. Jesus asked us why do we concern ourselves with the splinter in our brother’s eye and pay no attention to the beam in our own (Matt. 7:3-5 & Luke 6:41-42). This is the classic Scripture example of the over-functioner. They are always more concerned with their neighbor, spouse, whoever. Notice he says, “first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.” This means start by working on self. Notice also he does not say totally ignore the speck in your brother’s eye. No there is a place to challenge that person still. That is what relationships are about, acceptance and challenge. As God changes us, it will naturally lead to change in those around us. This is because it is driven by humility. When we criticize someone, they tend to withdraw and contract. But when we critique ourselves, then it tends to create a safe zone for others to come to grips with their own faults. Biblical repentance creates this safe zone. It is when we confess our faults to one another, and take the posture of respecting others as equals, that relationships flower.
5. Pray For Him: Don't underestimate the power of prayer. First of all, it tells God you are serious enough about whatever is on your heart to take time out to pray. Second, don’t primarily pray for God to change him. Yes you should do that too. But praying for change in you is the quickest way to see change in the whole home. Prayer is the best first step in working on self.
As a final word, even though this was directed at married women, it applies to all relationships. Sometimes the man is the over-functioner and the woman the under-functioner. And this is all especially applicable to over-functioning mothers & fathers. Is you child refusing to grow up and take responsibility? Most of the time this happens because the responsible figure in their life is letting it happen, or perhaps even getting their identity from being a “care-taker.”
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