Aug 09, 2010
Forgiveness is Really ‘Forgive Me’
Posted by Yarie Auger in Gospel Living | Comments (5)
I think at times the way we understand forgiveness can be somewhat limited and superficial. For me, forgiveness was essentially “saying my sorries” and then “putting up” with the person that offended me. Of course, I am so gracious to put up with them and overlook their offenses, right? That was and has been my sinful attitude pretty much my entire life.
More recently in my life, I’ve come face to face with forgiveness like never before. Or should I say, unforgiveness. Someone in my life, someone very close to me, hurt me deeply. The pain was deep and the wounds were deeper. There was lots of pain and a whole lot of anger towards them. This past month, all of that pain, anger, frustration and yes, hate, came to the surface. Literally, up front and center. My first reaction was outrage at this person and then subsequently fear. The emotions I were experiencing were not only real, but they were powerful and vicious and I had never experienced the temptation to hate like that before. Everything within me wanted to hate this person, to make this person feel the pain I had felt and to punish them (in whatever way I could) for the rest of my life. I felt cold. I felt like a monster.
This all came to the surface recently, when in an attempt to be reconciled, this person reciprocated denial and “cheap” apologies. My anger became worse. I wanted them to see what they had done. I wanted them to understand how wrong, not so much the actions, but the motive behind the actions, were.There was no sight. There was no real Godly sorrow. Only denial. My anger raged within me. And my fear grew as I had come face to face with the wickedness, evil and ugliness of my own sin and the very real chance that it revealed I didn’t have the love of Christ within me.
I’ve been sitting on this for weeks and months. And the only thing I could do was ask God, in his radical mercy and grace, to help me, to change me. What he has showed me and is showing me now is that my current circumstances (in life) are nothing short of a divine intervention on my behalf. It is because of my current circumstances, that God in His mercy is allowing me to see the deep rooted sin in myself, the pain and sin that was so hurtful and ugly, that going forward I would have rather denied it and ignored it, than dealt with it. Thank God he is intervening. He is using my circumstances against me, FOR me. Because He loves me. And because I belong to Him, he will not allow sin to remain in me. He will purge it.
What he is also showing me real time is that no matter how horrible an offense committed against me is, my un-forgiveness is far, far worse. I am reminded of the verse that says, if you do not forgive others, your Father in Heaven will not forgive you.Just very recently I heard something in a sermon message that completely stuck with my heart. This pastor said that when God asks us to repent, he isn’t asking for a “sorry God”. Saying sorry is not the same thing as repentance. Yes, we are to confess and yes I believe our heart can feel and experience sorrow (Godly grief). But, repentance is not saying sorry and continuing in sin with the knowledge that it is wrong. Repentance is to turn from sin and to turn to God through Jesus Christ in faith. It is a turning away from worshipping yourself and your idols and laying them down before a holy God. It is saying to Him, You God, are worthy of my everything. You God, are worthy of my heart, ALL my heart, and there can be no other. And so I cast down my idols. Even the idol of myself. And no matter what offense, what pain there is, your mercy is greater, your love is greater, your grace is greater and YOU LORD are greater still!
I am still in the middle of this struggle in my life. So all of this is real time. I apologize if the tone of this blog is dull and drab. I mean every word sincerely from the deepest part of me. I have no desire to entertain or make something sound appealing. I just want to speak the truth as God would have me. I am thankful for this difficult time in my life. Without being where I am, I would probably have never dealt with my sin at its root. From here, I know that I must reconcile this relationship. I must humble myself. I must look to Christ and love HIM above all else so that He may increase in me and so that I may decrease. And He is worth it.
Please pray for me. I need your prayers. This situation really matters and I believe it has eternal significance. Please pray for humility for me and for God to heal my heart and fill me with His love and with His mercy. I cannot produce this within myself. It’s impossible. But with God all things are possible!
In Christ, Yarie Auger
Posted by Yarie Auger in Gospel Living
